Friday 8th May – Profiteering does not equal business genius.

I’ve been feeling more nauseous than usual lately.

And for a nice change, it’s not just my cooking that’s to blame.

Go me.

Whenever I’m watching the TV which, as I already explained, is pretty much constant at the moment, I have noticed a rather unsettling trend.

Maybe it’s just me.

Maybe I’m just being a bit cynical.

Am I just being a Negative-Nancy?

Possibly.

(Also, sorry Nancy).

Anyway, back to the source of my nausea.

It’s the TV adverts.

They’re frankly, a teeny bit disingenuous.

On the surface they’re being all “Oooh, visit our website and find fun stuff for your kids to do” or “Oooh, buy our hand-wash because it totally kills everything that isn’t you” or “Hey, you’d better buy a new sofa because The-Virus had to travel thousands of miles, is totally jet-lagged and has probably gone for a nap in your front room, which is probably well dangerous and that”.

Sorry, did I say disingenuous?

Silly me.

What I actually meant was epically exploitative.

Creatively speaking, I bet there’s been a pretty steady theme in the pitch sessions of advertising agencies around the world lately and I don’t know about you, but it’s not just a little bit distasteful.

It’s an advertisers wet dream.

Trust me, somewhere on the globe right now there’s a career crazed millennial scratching his head trying to come up with a way to spin the sale of vaginal lube into a critical safety precaution against The-Virus.

It feels a bit scrawny to me for organisations to be making bank off the back of this pandemic situation.

And some of the organisations aren’t just making a bit of bank, they’ve literally stuck a saddle on The-Virus and are gonna ride that money-pony until it’s put back in it’s stable sweaty and spent.

Think Amazon.

Think Netflix.

Think remote working tools like Zoom.

Think UberEats.

Jeff Bezos of Amazon has increased his personal fortune by 24 billion as a direct result of a global population who are imprisoned at home, terrified that they might join the couple hundred thousand folks who have died, alone and in agony at the mercy of The-Virus.

And fair enough, these businesses are there to make money, I get it but, if a notable increase in profits can be attributed to the pandemic, (and I think we can safely call a 24 billion dollar banking experience notable) I’m not sure we call that savvy business skills.

I think we call it racketeering.

For me, a bit of profit is all gravy, these guys were in the right place at the right time and I haven’t got a problem with their business having a bit of a pay-day, but come on people.

There’s a pay-day. And then there’s a full-fat Piggy-Pay-Day. 

In the US, for example, there’s a charity that pays off the medical bills of those that had the bad luck to go and get sick when they couldn’t afford medical insurance.

Given that the pandemic is a medical issue, how many citizens of America find themselves in that very situation right now?

Jeff, mate, these are your fellow countrymen.

Step up fella.

And this goes for all businesses as far as I’m concerned.

Here’s the very simple equation that’s appropriate here:

Take current revenue. Deduct operating costs. Deduct any tax burden. Deduct a like for like profit margin on figures for this time last year. Deduct a bit of a bonus for the business and whatever’s left.

Find some worthy causes and start cutting cheques.

Because vampirically sucking a fortune out of the veins of The-Virus doesn’t make you a captain of industry.

It makes you a greedy twat.

Monday 27th April – I’m pretty sure the lockdown is already over.

I’m a bit puzzled.

And here’s why.

The-Virus has an incubation period of two to ten(ish) days.

The lockdown (slash national prison sentence) began on March twenty-third.

Add ten(ish) days to March twenty-third and you get April sixth.

In the interests of the (ish) part of the calculation, I added fourteen days.

So, by my calculation, if the Government strategy is doing anything remotely close to functioning as planned, infections and deaths from The-Virus should have dropped off a cliff in mid April.

And as you can see from the image I have burgled from The-Internet, they properly didn’t.

So what precisely is the purpose and/or benefit of us all being groomed, sex-offender style, into this ‘new normal’?

Because, deaths and infections post April sixth were contracted in spite of, and totally during, National-Imprisonment.

And as you can see from the nicked graph, there’s never been a spike, quite the opposite, there’s been absolutely no impact whatsoever?

National-Imprisonment is feeling a bit like feeding coins into an electric meter and the house never getting warm.

And I don’t know if the Government has peered out of its windows lately but when I look out of mine, folks initially cowed and obedient are now low-key doing what they want anyway. There’s more people roaming about than ever, the shops that are open have queues a mile long outside and there’s cars whizzing about everywhere.

Several of my neighbours have had visitors and gaggles of teenagers are creeping around under the cover of darkness, basically getting on with their lives.

The zeitgeist of the age appears to be silent rebellion.

And quite honestly, one needs to examine the life worth living.

Is a life of imprisonment actually a life?

If you were told today that this would be it, and the rest of your life will be four walls and Netflix, is there any point?

In addition, I’ve had The-Virus and Anna has had The-Virus and in Anna’s case it was so mild it was laughable so how do you know you haven’t already had it and recovered?

Since the Government, despite National-Imprisonment beginning over a month ago, haven’t managed to organise any sort of meaningful testing, loads of us could already be immune and doing time for no reason whatsoever.

The whole thing is a mess and whether No10 like it or not, I get the sense that the lockdown is already unofficially over.

And quite honestly, the figures don’t add up, the strategy offered by our Government is beyond useless and in the meantime, my life is seeping away anyway.

And you know.

YOLO.

Tuesday 31st March – Stop making it worse. Fuckwits.

Scuse my French.

But what colossal douching fuckwittery is this?

These images were taken in New York yesterday and, whilst I understand the desire to flout the rules, kick over the traces and run free like a mustang, all that’s being achieved here is the making of this crap-fest lasting longer.

These fools are undermining the sacrifice of the many who have run out of stuff to watch and are now perched agonisingly on the edge of their sofas waiting for a new Netflix box set to drop.

Have you gotten so bored you’re actually watching the alien documentaries yet? 

Yeah, I hear ya.

The Tom-Fools are prolonging the dreary, monochrome existence we have all been shafted into enduring.

And more to the point, they are getting between me and the prospect of anyone in this house eating food that I haven’t burned anytime soon.

In short, they stand between me and a Big Mac.

So, to honour my struggle, which is real, I turned to the ‘Level 2: Media’ qualifications of Anna who whipped out her iPhone and produced this rather sick advertising campaign to illustrate, reinforce and pretty much bludgeon home the seriousness of my plight.

(Don’t come for me McDonalds marketing department, I’m doing the Lord’s work here).

And to the fuckwits.

Just get your arses home and suck it up.

This isn’t anyone’s childhood dream

Trust me.