Tuesday 9th March: Dear America – You’re welcome

I’m going to go ahead here and assume that you’re aware that the Z-List starlet, ‘Sparkles-Markles’ and her brainless brainwashed hostage, the Prince of Woke, have engaged in a ‘prime-time-tell-all-family-laundry-washing’ that, quite frankly, Jerry Springer himself would have probably considered a bit beneath him.

Only missing the lie detector test results, the heartstring-pulling tale of hurt feelings and argy-bargy with the in-laws was gripping stuff and, in true Jerry Springer style, the father of the baby was bought on in the second half.

To be fair, I don’t think Sparkles was actually stating that the Prince of Woke knocked her up and then claimed not to have done the fatherin’ but where Sparkles is concerned, who knows what she’ll pull out of her trusty handbook ‘Ten Ways To Get Famous When You Have Absolutely No Talent Whatsoever’ next.

Yep, I have a feeling this story line will run and run.

Sparkles is onto a winner here and she knows it.

Well, in Tinseltown that is.

In Woke-Ville, she’s positioned herself perfectly as the victimiest victim in all of victim land.

Sitting in some fancy villa, feet nestled in outdoor shag carpeting she was clearly too moved by her own plight and traumatised by all the privilege she’s been experiencing since she suckered His Royal Wokeness into her under-garments that she didn’t realise a bird had gone and crapped all down the front of her thousand-pound designer frock.

It’s a nightmare Sparkles and no mistake.

So, I for one think it’s far better for everyone concerned if she stays over there in Tinseltown, where being a victim is a good enough reason to get airtime. It’s not like she cares about being on the front of magazines because she’s actually good at anything, she, much like a budgie, is just happy to stare at her own, monotonous image anywhere it shows up.

Fair play to her.

But England is probably not her audience.

The Palace don’t seem that interested in who made whom cry in the great flower girl debacle of 2018 nor is the fact that Sparkles had to use Google to look up some song lyrics top of the priority list, given probably that Prince Phillip is currently very unwell and in hospital.

Did someone ask Sparkles, at some point, whether her future kids would have red hair, blue eyes or what tan level their skin would be at?

Probably.

And?

What family doesn’t discuss these matters over the dinner table at some point?

We’re just not about the playground tittle-tattle in this country.

Will Sparkles and Oprah bring down the monarchy?

Err, no?

It was good TV, in exactly the same way as good old Jerry used to be but, when the credits roll we switch off the box and go back to moaning about our lockdown-hair or trying to figure out why KFC is still not available on our Deliveroo app.

Tinseltown is very welcome to keep Sparkles and His Wokeness over there.

We’ve got William and Kate.

We don’t actually need a spare set; we’ve already got the real thing.

We absolutely love our young Royals, no matter what jibber-jabber, bullshittery Sparkles might still be plotting and if I know anything about Sparkles-Markles at all (and I think I do) it’s my suspicion that she’s scheming to shoe-horn Harry-Nice-But-Dim and herself into the top jobs and do away with Kate and William altogether.

One thing is for sure though, it’s going to take a great deal more than some half-arsed starlet and her cerebrally challenged side-kick to get Buckingham Palace into a tizzy of emotion over Sparkles and her hurt bunny act.

But she really should know this already after all, allegedly it’s why she cleared off in the first place.

And from where I’m standing, long may she stay there.