Tuesday 14th April – Which came first, the chicken or the total lack of pandemic planning?

It’s 2am and I’m so incensed that sleep eludes me.

What, you may wonder, has gotten my unmentionables so furiously wadded and bunched?

Well, it’s The-Virus daily briefing.

Again.

It is starting to become apparent that, no matter which question is levelled at the Government representative de jour, or Frick and Frack The Science Quacks, they’ve only got the one answer and spoiler alert, it’s:

Stay home. Save lives. Protect the NHS.

When asked if they think they might bear some responsibility for the fact that there’s still not enough PPE, the response is:

“Well, as long as everyone stays home and protects our wonderful NHS, it’ll all be fine” <insert appropriately gushing tone of voice on the italicised adjective(s)>. 

When asked if the country could be given a glimpse into the ‘lockdown exit strategy’ they have, in their infinite wisdom, settled on for the future.

“Well, we are where we are and we aren’t there, so we think it might be great if everyone just stays home and saves lives by not putting any pressure on our superbly awesome NHS”<insert appropriately gushing tone of voice on the italicised adjectives(s)>.

When asked if it would be fair for the Government to accept some responsibility for the medical staff who have died, the response (I bet you’ve already guessed) is:

“Well, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and we aren’t rolling stones so we’ve had a brainstorming sesh and we reckon that if y’all just stay barricaded in your hovels and simply avoid getting ill, well it won’t cause our underfunded, under resourced but nevertheless smashingly super NHS to become overwhelmed”<insert appropriately gushing tone of voice on the italicized adjectives(s)>.

Marvellous.

At this point, I am just itching for some journo to ask the following question:

“Sir, without using the phrases: 

Social-distancing, community response or measures currently in place.

Can you explain why, with eleven years notice since the last viral pandemic in this country, you failed to put together a strategy for when your indeterminate number of stockpiled PPE ran out?” 

I am literally on the edge of my DFS sofa, gagging for this question, or a version of it, to be asked.

I’m now going to paint you a little picture, so settle back and enjoy.

My friend, she likes eggs.

She bakes quite a bit and stuff like that, maybe she likes a boiled egg in the mornings, I don’t exactly know but for whatever reason, she likes to have eggs available should she need them.

So she went and got herself three chickens. 

Now, If a wily fox happened to be imported from China and despite sixteen weeks clear notice of its intention to start the slaughter, was completely ignored while my cousin spent her days congratulating herself on her huge stockpile of chickens and trying to figure out how to get her constituents to pay for her second home, and said fox did go ahead and kill one of her chickens.

Well, she’s still got two more chickens and thusly an uninterrupted supply of eggs giving her the breathing room to replace the original, murdered chicken.

And that my friends is what you call a frigging strategy.

Realizing you have run out of PPE, running around with your hair on fire and begging Jaguar Land Rover to stop with the car shit and start producing surgical gowns is not.

The strategy would have been to have already scoped out manufacturers to step in and underpin the stockpiles before they ran out.

Am I completely insane?

Am I the only one who thinks that a Government whose sole solution to The-Virus is for us to try and ‘avoid getting it’ is in any way acceptable.

That they’ve got their fingers crossed for us?

Contact tracing? Nope.

Testing? Nope.

Enough protective equipment? Uh uh.

But they sure are rooting for us.

Jeez.

Who ever thought the day would come when I’d be jealous of South Korea.