Monday 27th April – I’m pretty sure the lockdown is already over.

I’m a bit puzzled.

And here’s why.

The-Virus has an incubation period of two to ten(ish) days.

The lockdown (slash national prison sentence) began on March twenty-third.

Add ten(ish) days to March twenty-third and you get April sixth.

In the interests of the (ish) part of the calculation, I added fourteen days.

So, by my calculation, if the Government strategy is doing anything remotely close to functioning as planned, infections and deaths from The-Virus should have dropped off a cliff in mid April.

And as you can see from the image I have burgled from The-Internet, they properly didn’t.

So what precisely is the purpose and/or benefit of us all being groomed, sex-offender style, into this ‘new normal’?

Because, deaths and infections post April sixth were contracted in spite of, and totally during, National-Imprisonment.

And as you can see from the nicked graph, there’s never been a spike, quite the opposite, there’s been absolutely no impact whatsoever?

National-Imprisonment is feeling a bit like feeding coins into an electric meter and the house never getting warm.

And I don’t know if the Government has peered out of its windows lately but when I look out of mine, folks initially cowed and obedient are now low-key doing what they want anyway. There’s more people roaming about than ever, the shops that are open have queues a mile long outside and there’s cars whizzing about everywhere.

Several of my neighbours have had visitors and gaggles of teenagers are creeping around under the cover of darkness, basically getting on with their lives.

The zeitgeist of the age appears to be silent rebellion.

And quite honestly, one needs to examine the life worth living.

Is a life of imprisonment actually a life?

If you were told today that this would be it, and the rest of your life will be four walls and Netflix, is there any point?

In addition, I’ve had The-Virus and Anna has had The-Virus and in Anna’s case it was so mild it was laughable so how do you know you haven’t already had it and recovered?

Since the Government, despite National-Imprisonment beginning over a month ago, haven’t managed to organise any sort of meaningful testing, loads of us could already be immune and doing time for no reason whatsoever.

The whole thing is a mess and whether No10 like it or not, I get the sense that the lockdown is already unofficially over.

And quite honestly, the figures don’t add up, the strategy offered by our Government is beyond useless and in the meantime, my life is seeping away anyway.

And you know.


Tuesday 14th April – Which came first, the chicken or the total lack of pandemic planning?

It’s 2am and I’m so incensed that sleep eludes me.

What, you may wonder, has gotten my unmentionables so furiously wadded and bunched?

Well, it’s The-Virus daily briefing.


It is starting to become apparent that, no matter which question is levelled at the Government representative de jour, or Frick and Frack The Science Quacks, they’ve only got the one answer and spoiler alert, it’s:

Stay home. Save lives. Protect the NHS.

When asked if they think they might bear some responsibility for the fact that there’s still not enough PPE, the response is:

“Well, as long as everyone stays home and protects our wonderful NHS, it’ll all be fine” <insert appropriately gushing tone of voice on the italicised adjective(s)>. 

When asked if the country could be given a glimpse into the ‘lockdown exit strategy’ they have, in their infinite wisdom, settled on for the future.

“Well, we are where we are and we aren’t there, so we think it might be great if everyone just stays home and saves lives by not putting any pressure on our superbly awesome NHS”<insert appropriately gushing tone of voice on the italicised adjectives(s)>.

When asked if it would be fair for the Government to accept some responsibility for the medical staff who have died, the response (I bet you’ve already guessed) is:

“Well, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and we aren’t rolling stones so we’ve had a brainstorming sesh and we reckon that if y’all just stay barricaded in your hovels and simply avoid getting ill, well it won’t cause our underfunded, under resourced but nevertheless smashingly super NHS to become overwhelmed”<insert appropriately gushing tone of voice on the italicized adjectives(s)>.


At this point, I am just itching for some journo to ask the following question:

“Sir, without using the phrases: 

Social-distancing, community response or measures currently in place.

Can you explain why, with eleven years notice since the last viral pandemic in this country, you failed to put together a strategy for when your indeterminate number of stockpiled PPE ran out?” 

I am literally on the edge of my DFS sofa, gagging for this question, or a version of it, to be asked.

I’m now going to paint you a little picture, so settle back and enjoy.

My friend, she likes eggs.

She bakes quite a bit and stuff like that, maybe she likes a boiled egg in the mornings, I don’t exactly know but for whatever reason, she likes to have eggs available should she need them.

So she went and got herself three chickens. 

Now, If a wily fox happened to be imported from China and despite sixteen weeks clear notice of its intention to start the slaughter, was completely ignored while my cousin spent her days congratulating herself on her huge stockpile of chickens and trying to figure out how to get her constituents to pay for her second home, and said fox did go ahead and kill one of her chickens.

Well, she’s still got two more chickens and thusly an uninterrupted supply of eggs giving her the breathing room to replace the original, murdered chicken.

And that my friends is what you call a frigging strategy.

Realizing you have run out of PPE, running around with your hair on fire and begging Jaguar Land Rover to stop with the car shit and start producing surgical gowns is not.

The strategy would have been to have already scoped out manufacturers to step in and underpin the stockpiles before they ran out.

Am I completely insane?

Am I the only one who thinks that a Government whose sole solution to The-Virus is for us to try and ‘avoid getting it’ is in any way acceptable.

That they’ve got their fingers crossed for us?

Contact tracing? Nope.

Testing? Nope.

Enough protective equipment? Uh uh.

But they sure are rooting for us.


Who ever thought the day would come when I’d be jealous of South Korea.

Monday 13th April – Let’s talk about the UK Pandemic Preparedness Strategy shall we?

These politicians seriously need to stop making faces at The-Virus daily briefing.

This time it was Matt Hancock.

He obviously felt he had satisfactorily answered the questions being levelled at him regarding the somewhat shocking lack of protective masks, gowns and that.

He was staring into the camera.

Sincerity and candor oozing from every pore.

Matter of medical teams not having protective gear addressed.

Asked and answered.

We’re deffo going to get more sorted so let’s move on.

But another pesky journo asked the question again and Lord-Fancy-Pants-Hancock made a rather unappealing face that loosely translated to ‘FFS’.

It doesn’t seem to be sinking in with our revered leadership that their answers simply aren’t making any sense. 

They won’t commit to dates and they slide around any prospect of disclosing volume available on the ground. Nope, it’s rather an airy-fairy business.

 “Chill out, we’re all over it”.

So it got me thinking.

Given that this is the Government of an advanced civilisation. Given that this is the Government of a country who has experienced at least two pandemics in the last decade or so. Given that these are the guys we trust with our lives on a myriad of subjects, they must have had a plan. 

There must have been a comprehensive strategy document in place that allowed a robust, planned down to the last thermometer, infrastructure to swing into action in the event that a more aggressive pandemic visited our shores.

Maybe that’s why they sat around on their hands for a couple of months after The-Virus was reported and only acted once people actually started dying in the UK.

Because they’re smart folks and they had it all covered.

So I went on the hunt.

And I now understand what the problem is vis a vis the protective stuff.

The Government can’t give a more detailed answer to the pesky journos because basically, as far as they’re concerned, everything is actually going swimmingly.

They had stockpiles.

The end.

And here’s a direct copy/paste from the UK Influenza Pandemic Preparedness Strategy.

  • “4.16  The Government already has in place stockpiles of face masks and respirators for health and social care workers. In line with the scientific evidence, the Government will not stockpile facemasks for general use in the community. The responsibility for providing advice on the use of face masks and respirators, as well as their provision and training, for non-health workers in the public and private sector rests with employers.”

So in respect to the pandemic strategy regarding gowns and masks for the public sector medical staff, working in their own hospitals well, the strategy is going exactly as planned.

They had some stockpiled and if they ran out, well they’d Amazon Prime themselves up some more.


What’s the problem?

How many they had stockpiled isn’t clear, could have been ten, could have been ten-million.

Who knows?

Now I’m not judging.

But in my judgement, Anna has a more sophisticated plan in place for the supply chain of Pringles and alcohol for her 18th birthday bash.