Friday 27th March – Anyone for banana bread?

Pandemic felicitations to you.

And may the flesh-eating virus pass swiftly by your dwelling.

Today I have mainly been about the cake-bakery business.

Partly because, unlike the folk that are loudly complaining in Sainsbury’s, I was feeling super smug that I actually do have flour.

For some reason.

And partly because, if I have to sit and watch Anna make one more Tik-Tok dance video I will go ahead and preempt the possibility of imminent plague death by lighting my own self on fire.

Trust me, a slow death sponsored by an iPhone app and an out of tune teenager is not the way I intend to go out.

As a general rule she has the decency to treat my home like a hotel and only returns to sleep, steal cigarettes and snarf her lasagne. So this whole ‘enjoying spending time with your loved ones’ crap is really starting to chafe.

7 times 24 is a whole-lotta-Anna.

Ultimately I intend to marry her off of course, and there’s a tragic little dowry on offer if that sweetens the pot at all for any prospective suitors there might be out there.

So yes, I resorted to ‘baking-stuff’ which, whilst not exactly the rock ‘n’ roll life choice I thought I’d be making at this stage of my life, is infinitely preferable to ‘cleaning-stuff’.

So far I’ve made banana bread and a chocolate cake.

Neither would come out of their respective pans.

Both look somewhat blacker than the picture in my book.

But hey, think of the money I’ve saved.

I should have just sprung for the two quid cake I saw in the shop this morning instead of wasting my time smirking piously at the Yummy-Mummy who was coming completely unglued because she couldn’t find self-raising flour for her muffins (did I mention I have flour? Circa 2016, so not just flour, but vintage flour thank you very much.)

I shouldn’t have dashed home and chiseled five year old ingredients out from behind my Frazzle collection so that, in some desperate attempt to prove that I too am the kind of person who finds solace in the creation of tasty treats for my family, I could get my Victoria Sponge on.

I would have saved two precious hours of my life.

Because, seriously, who am I kidding?

I will not be styling my way through this lockdown with the grace that all the Facebook lay-dees are demonstrating.

There will be no panache.

Pizzazz has left the building.

I’m no bakerist.

The only similarity I have with Mary Berry is very much of the Tesco Basic kind and so, it’s back to the drawing board in terms of entertaining pastimes for the foreseeable.

Maybe I should make a dance video after all, back in the 80’s I had some moves.

So all that remains to be determined is:

How do I download Tik-Tok?