Wednesday 25th March – I promise not to lick your face.

Well, the doom didn’t get me.

But I have deep concerns that the total abandonment of common sense may currently present a deeper threat to my existence.

I was out for my essential exercise to get a Flat White from the coffee machine at our local supermarket this morning ( ahem…and some nutricious fruits and vegetables, of course) when, upon approaching a pretty normal looking woman on what used to be considered a normal sized pavement, instead of walking past me in a slightly wider arc, she resorted to abruptly stopping and simply turning her back on me.

I’ll try not to take that personally shall I?

But in her defense, maybe I’ve got one of those faces that looks like I might be a cheek-licker.


Anyway, the fact that in doing so she had shoved her face into a privet hedge and was, at that point, literally eating leaves didn’t seem to bother her at all.

Her dog, not so much.

It yelped and shot backwards causing me to have to deploy a gazelle-like leaping maneuver to avoid tripping over it’s lead and plummeting under the wheels of an approaching Warburtons delivery lorry.

It’s okay, I’ve got reflexes like a cat.

Anyway, the point is – come on lady. Can you see yourself right now?

Also, the point is that a Warburtons lorry in the vicinity of Sainsburys means good times ahead vis a vis the whole not having anything to put my Marmite on.

Silver lining? I think so.

But I digress.

Brain boggling stupidity aside, I’m not altogether hating this new England. 

In fact it’s kind of a society I can get onboard with.

Most people are nailed inside their dwellings so when you do go anywhere, you pretty much have wherever it is that you are, all to yourself.


I also don’t hate people remaining no less than six feet away from me.

Makes me feel a bit like a pop-star.

Keep back you riff-raff.

So whilst the doom might be keeping up the relentless pressure on Sky News to keep us all glued to the screen in terror, it is actually still okay to find something to be happy about.

No need to feel guilty about some merriment.

Because it’s a well known fact.

When life shuts a door. Open it again.

That’s how they work.