Thursday 12th December – Britain does Brexit: The Final

It’s that time of year. Strictly Come Dancing, The X Factor and now, Britain Does Brexit.

The telephone lines are open – the public vote is live, lines close at 10pm and calls will be charged at your provider’s standard rate.

Make sure you have the billpayers permission though.

Brit fans have breathlessly whittled our finalists down to two remaining front-runners, Boris ‘The-Fridge’ Johnson and Jeremy ‘Creepy-Beard’ Corbyn.

The semi-finals, screened on BBC1 last week, (catch it on iPlayer if you missed out) gave our finalists the opportunity to sing their songs live to the nation and wowza, it was a dazzling affair.

The Fridge’s song, whilst pretty much only consisting of one line, does have a catchy, repetitive, can’t get it out of your head quality that really has been ear-worming its way into our voter’s ecstatically low functioning consciousness’.

Get Brexit Done.

And the fans are mad for it.

On the other side of the studio aisle we have Creepy Beard and his frantically feral fandom.

And what Creepy-Beard’s tune lacked in structured lyrics, it totally made up for in it’s ability to change direction, reinvent itself and leave our audiences unsure what had actually been sung.

Creepy-Beard sure knows how to leave a crowd on a cliff-hanger.

We might possibly not get Brexit done.

And the fans are mad for it.

There has been a total downer section of the voting public who keep droning on about what the contestants stand for, other obviously than the getting, or the not getting of Brexit done, but here at ‘The-Show-Must-Go-On’ Towers, we feel that focusing the public attention on actual politics or, worse still, the economy is just a bit of a snoozer.

It won’t be thrilling, it won’t be celebri-tastically-awesome and the optics of dreary stuff like the actual running of a country by the people and for the people just don’t translate well to Instagram or Snapchat.

And the fans definitely aren’t mad for that.

Rumours are circling that democracy would be much better served in the future if voters could really get inside the lives of our contestants and it’s true, it’s had to argue with the success of Love Island in terms of engaging votes and electrifying the viewers.

So cameras inside the homes of our contestants next season please.

Does Creepy-Beard have a particular brand of rain mac that he favours when scuttling about in the bushes behind primary schools?

Or is he more of an everyman, Primark cagoule, equal opportunity social nuisance?

Does the The-Fridge practice the boyish grin in front of the mirror of a morning?

Does this explain why he permanently looks like he’s been beaten the shit out of by the hair-fairy?

Is looking into the mirror and doing two things simultaneously just too taxing?

, the voters know almost nothing about the contestants sex lives or even their feelings and quite frankly, the competition is the weaker for it.

Knocking out some merch would probably be awesome too.

Boris could launch a range of iPhone covers, travel coffee mugs and t-shirts with ‘Saw it. Pinched it. Spent it’ on them and Jeremy could go with something like ‘I’m Rubbery. You’re Glue’.

Because you know what?

The fans would be totally mad for that.

And ultimately, it seems that that’s all that matters.