Let’s talk about sex.
Well, more specifically, gender.
I’m all for the liberty and freedoms associated with folk deciding to utterly disregard reality and take a Fantasy Football style approach to their gender.
For loads of years there’s only been just the two genders and, despite the legacy arrangement having been a roaring success in terms of keeping the species going and humdrum stuff like that, I can totally see the problem.
People have the right to be different.
They’re all special snowflakes.
They’ve got a right to be amaze-balls.
They’ve got to be iconic.
They want everyone shouting ‘Do You Sister’ as they swagger down the High Street.
Admittedly, at some point Homosapienly speaking, options will soon be exhausted in terms of the fundamental limitations of every one of the 7.53 billion snowflakes all being uniquely amaze-balls and iconic but that’s a terrifying, post-apocalyptic spectre of a shit-storm that we can discuss on another day.
Today I shall confine myself to the gender of one particular iconic and amaze-balls special snowflake and I’ll admit, since the initial news broke that he might have mysteriously turned into a chick, I’ve been sulking up a storm.
So, at the risk of stating the obvious, James Bond is a man.
James Bond is not in retirement.
James Bond is not giving his 007 codename to a bird and James Bond will not be following Doctor Who into the Tampax aisle of the local ‘Choose-Your-Gender’ corner store.
And this is not just me being racist at women.
The character of James Bond was created in 1953 by journalist and author, Ian Fleming and has survived quite successfully since then without any interference. Had Ian Fleming wanted his creation to be a woman, he was quite a smart guy and was no doubt competent to have ‘Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Mo-ed’ his way through that totally binary decision all by himself.
And since he went with a man for his novels, I for one, think we should respect that.
The James Bond franchise has been globally successful for decades and it’s doing just fine. It doesn’t need gender realignment, doesn’t need to get festooned in sparkly bits and it won’t be made fabulous by being smothered in ‘Girl Power’.
It may very well be that there are a lack of sexy, butt-kicking, poker playing, gadget using, Aston Martin wrecking roles for women in the movies and if that’s the case maybe its time to get your thinking caps on and create something original.
Of your own.
Stealing somebody else’s work and barstadising it to fit some weird ‘Women-Are-So-Terrified-Of-Men-They-Have-To-Squash-Them-Entirely-Out-Of-Existence’ narrative is not only the exact opposite of female empowerment but also so tragic I just want to burst into tears right this very second.
Shock newsflash: some women still actually like men.
Some women want a man who might, at any moment, hurl her against the wall and ravish her or give her a lift to Asda really, really fast in a sports car whilst making wry comments and shooting her sexy glances.
Damn it, we want Bond.
We want James Bond.
So I move that, along with the essentially British NHS, we take the necessary precautions to protect our boy and do whatever we need to do to ring-fence his manhood.
We need to protect the penis.
Before it’s too late.
NB* ~For the benefit of any Dukes who may be reading this, I said ravish, not sex traffick. Age of consent and permission being the pertinent differences.