Monday 18th November – Britain apologises for letting Prince Andrew out. Again.

Dear Rest of the World,

I want to apologise, profusely, and on behalf of the citizens of the United Kingdom, for the repulsive, slimy, sack of human garbage that is more commonly known as Prince Andrew.

We, as a nation have let this cretin loose onto the global stage and, as if that’s not bad enough, and to add insult to the many injuries he has perpetrated, we actually funded the fiasco.

As a horrified viewer of his recent Newsnight interview, three questions kept running through my mind:

Firstly, does he realise we can actually hear him?

Secondly, where’s Liam Neeson when you need him?

And finally, how does the Deviant-Duke keep escaping from whichever padded cell he’s supposed to be restrained in?

Shouldn’t someone be watching him?

If the subject matter weren’t so horrific, his infantile attempt at ‘styling-it-out’ would almost be funny, but it’s not funny.

At all.

He is neck-deep in the procurement of trafficked young girls and, being the buffoon that he is, thinks if he says ‘wasn’t me’ enough times, his ‘boyish charm’ will win the day and we’ll all shut-up and leave him alone. During the interview, his response to almost every question was “I can’t remember” – now I’m no legal expert, but is that considered a legitimate legal defense these days? If so, the British criminal justice system is going to be swamped with appeals cases in the upcoming months.

Nope, Andrew Windsor don’t know nuffink ‘bout nuffink.

When asked if he ever witnessed hordes of young, scantily dressed, terrified looking girls milling around Epstein’s homes, his response was that, at the risk of sounding tooooo grand, he may have seen them but because he’s so super-important, he couldn’t give a crap and anyway, he thought they were the help.

After all, they were massaging his feet at the time so, yeah, fair play Andy, we get it, it’s tough at the top.

Knob.

When questioned about a photo taken of him standing next to, and with his arm around, the young lady who has had the bravery to speak out about the several occasions on which she was trafficked to him, so that he could avail himself of her facilities, Atrocious-Andy claims that yes, it’s his body in the picture but obviously his hand has been photo-shopped in.

Maybe it was the Russians?

I say bravery when I refer to this young lady because, lest we forget, Epstein was pretty well, absolutely definitely murdered to keep him quiet, so for a traumatised young woman to call this hideousness out to the world stage, she really is the very definition of bravery.

Honestly, at one point during his interview, it did cross my mind that maybe Andy could have had a hand in Epstein’s demise, but in the next breath, he scoffed and assured his interviewer that, contrary to allegations, he wasn’t at Tramps nightclub, boogying the night away, perspiring profusely as his dangly bits and chubby little hands rubbed up against his adolescent victim because, well, he doesn’t sweat.

Did he actually just say that?

Out loud?

No, it would take cunning and wiliness to pull off a murder plot and quite frankly I think he’d struggle if he were put in charge of keeping the red lego bricks away from the yellow ones.

Anyway.

Moving on, and whilst his access to Epstein’s sex trafficking ring has probably now dried up, there’s a silver lining for ‘The Perv formerly known as Prince’ as he’s handily established an organisation in, not just the UK, but across 100 countries where he still has plenty of access to seven to fourteen year olds.

Well, hand me the awesome sauce.

So, in short, I feel embarrassed and ashamed that we, as a country, have allowed this menace out, roaming freely amongst the citizens of the world but my assumption is that, from now on, he will be kept firmly inside the institution to which he, by his own admission, belongs.

Although, I’m not fussy.

Any institution will do.

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