Wednesday 9th October – Waterloo

Got home from work late last night to be confronted by The Teenager hovering by the door.

Teenager announced that he has decided he wants to do a degree in ‘Plumbery’.

tsdoasm2Since Teenager is on his fifth attempt at acquiring his GCSEs due to an inability to prioritise carrying a school bag with books in it, over swaggering around with his crew looking ‘street’ – I must confess to a certain level of skepticism in that area.

I sure do hope, however, that I’m a fly on the wall when he tries to sign up for a university degree course in ‘Plumbery’.

When my eyes had re-focused from all the eye-rolling they had spontaneously erupted into, I walked into the kitchen and turned on the light.

Entire contents of cutlery, crockery and saucepan cupboards used and abandoned on work surfaces.

Eyes spazzed out again.

Turned light off so that I didn’t have to look at it all (what the eyes can’t see, the mother cannot grieve over).

Tried to rinse out a cup, discovered (by sticking my finger into it) that it had already been used for Cocoa Pops. Felt around for another cup, couldn’t find one but did strike it lucky when I came upon a measuring jug.
Rinsed out measuring jug and made a cup of tea.

Trudging upstairs (in the pitch black, no bulb in the hall) I tried to recall the exact date when I went from being proud in the house to, well, not being, and it dawned on me that it wasn’t so much a pro-active decision as it was an admission of defeat.

Kid-Krap has been my Waterloo.

I would get a briskly, competent old lady to come and do it but the dog’d try and have sexual intercourse with her.tsdoasm2

Plus briskly, competent old ladies probably wouldn’t accept Tesco ClubCard points as legal tender.

Firing up the laptop I logged on to the only site that can give me what I need. What I desire most.

My version of Mummy-Porn.

Rightmove dot com.

New Homes For Sale.

Sssshhh…………

Don’t tell anyone but ooooooh, look at the size of that breakfast bar.

Tuesday 8th October 2013 – Why are women bosses always total bitches? Discuss………

So, I’ve got a new job.

I’m the smiling, cheerful little bundle of fun that greets you as you enter the rather grand lobby of a well-known country hotel & spa.

I’d like to smugly announce that my career aspirations have finally (and successfully) been realized, but I have to be honest; it’s all a bit of a fiasco.

As ever, I am forced into servitude for yet another bad-tempered old bag-face whose mission in life seems to be to wait until either a hotel guesttsdoasm2 or the hotel manager is at reception before she launches one of her pre-loaded “But-I-Showed-You-How-To-Do-That” bombs at me.

What I want to know (besides, obviously, how the key-card-door-coder works) is what precisely is up with these lesbians?

They look at your CV. They interview you. Then they interview you again and all the while they seem to be relatively normal, leaving you with the reassuring sense that everybody in the interview room is crystal clear, and on the same page, with the fact that you, whilst obviously fabulous and looking pretty damned fly in your new suit, will be the new girl and are likely to need some training (and that).

So you go in on your first day to discover that She’s-So-Cuddly-I-Wish-She-Was-My-Auntie, Interview-Lady has taken a sabbatical (presumably to bake cookies and darn the socks of orphans) and left, in her place, a terrifying, arms folded, foot-tapping, lizard-creature whose forked tongue, ill-prepared to answer simple frigging questions like “Where are the loos” or “Where is the staff car-park,” is reserved solely for the purposes of dismembering poultry and cattle for use in the restaurant.

Through gritted fangs they divulge the absolute basics of the information you’re going to need about your responsibilities, but pay attention, because they do it fast and out of any perceptibly logical order.

The game, as I understand it, from then onwards, is for Lizard-Creature to try and catch you out doing something (anything) in a manner inconsistent with her original instructions, and to sigh impatiently any time you finally get drunk enough at lunchtime with the Polish waiters in the bar, to dare ask it to show you how to get the key-card-door-coder to work.

tsdoasm2At the risk of sounding paranoid; it all feels a bit sabotagical (yep, not even a word).

So, in terms of my new career, the first couple of months were a bit tense, lucrative (poker with the Polish waiters at lunchtimes) but definitely tense.

As usual, things finally started to get better when I gave up any pretense of proffessionality (yep, once again you’re correct, I made that one up too) and resorted to my usual M.O of merrily lying through my teeth and hiding stuff.

It’s only a question of time till Lizard-Creature busts me though.

As sure as God made little green apples…………………………