I thought I might have a bash at a bit of reviewing and have enlisted the help of my Lady-Crew to bring you the hottest, straight off the press, reviews.
I’m not going to marvel over the latest cleaner from Dyson (that I’ve
been bribed with sent for free) or the super-fun baking set that Dr Oetker has launched (and sent me. For free).
No, no, no, no.
Unlike your average Mummy-Reviewer, I am gonna keep it real. I’m gonna bring it to you straight from the street.
I’m going to review stuff, wait for it; that I’ve actually spent my own hard earned cash on (what a kooky notion!!) and, in addition, have taken the time to do my research by asking Friend-Kate, Friend-Karen and Friend-Sophie what they thought of the items.
So, in short; a gripping review of a load of questionable crap, by a bunch of people you don’t know. To give my gal-pal’s reviews some context, Friend-Kate’s a normal Top Gear watching, red-wine-on-a-school-night-drinking bird. Friend-Karen’s minted (and a bit of a piss-artist). Travels the world and enjoys a steady stream of rich men-friends that adore her. Friend-Sophie’s a tree-hugging, left-wing hippy.
Sound good? Well, without further ado, and if you’re sitting comfortably; I’ll begin.
Asda butterfly pyjama bottoms – £6.00
I bought these because they looked pretty. Have no idea what they’re made of, at six quid, nothing good I shouldn’t imagine. What things are made of is about as riveting as reading instructions as far as I’m concerned. What size did I buy? Who knows? Don’t do detail. Got home at 11.30am and put them straight on. After a week of not being taken off, can confirm that they are absolutely flipping GORE-JUS. They are soft, have kept their shape, cosy, and in short well-lush. Am going to get me another pair.
Friend-Kate’s review: “Watched Deuce Bigalow in ‘em. Cool.”
Friend-Karen’s review: “Asda? What’s Asda?”
Friend-Sophie’s review: “Really lovely but they weren’t made by those kids off Comic Relief were they?
Night Nurse Capsules – Sainsbury’s pharmacy – £3.69
Masquerading as a ‘flu remedy’ what these tablets actually are is a Class A style sleeping pill slash sedative. Take a couple when you get in from work and you’ll achieve the double-whammy of being too chilled out to care that your kids keep insisting on trying to talk to you and, when you float upstairs to bed, you’ll have passed out in mere seconds (twin with Asda £6 pyjamas for maximum effect).
Friend-Kate’s review: “Do they do it for kids?”
Friend-Karen’s review: “I’ve had better. But that stuff’s a ball-ache to get hold of.”
Friend-Sophie’s review: “You are such a tit, I slept through an entire Sunday lunch and missed Countryfile.”
Next Panel Platform Court Shoes – £36
I have no idea what Next are making their shoes out of these days but it felt, half an hour into wearing these, like it’s probably titanium alloy. Unbelievably uncomfortable. Awful. Some woman at work asked me if they were Stella McCartney, so not only did they leave my feet looking like the torn, bloody flesh normally found at an aircraft crash site, they also managed to make me look like a total wannabe WAG when I had to admit that, no I got them in the Next three day sale.
Friend-Kate’s review: “Used to wear Next shoes but these days it’s like shoving your feet into a waste disposal unit.”
Friend-Karen’s review: “I’ve got some that look like that but they’re from Stella McCartney. What’s Next?”
Friend-Sophie’s review: “Jesus. Holy bloody Jesus. Why didn’t you just stab me.”
Kiwi Smiling Feet Invisible Gel Pads – Sainsbury’s – £3.70
Since my budget won’t extend to setting fire to the Next Panel Platform Court Shoes (£36), I had to invest in some of these. Given the challenge they were up against, the gel pads did a pretty good job. The bottom of my feet were almost bearable, only leaving me with the bleeding toes to contend with. However, the good news was that I very quickly lost all feeling in the bleeding toes so, all in all, a win.
<Friend-Kate’s review: I don’t care if they make the shoes less painful. I am not putting my feet through it again.”
Friend-Karens’ review: “They didn’t help with the cravings because they weren’t sticky and kept falling off my arm.”
Friend-Sophie’s review: “I tried them but my tits still fell out of the dress.”
And on that disturbing bombshell, I hope you have found our reviews informative and useful. I may well do some more reviewing in the coming weeks and months but then again, who knows.
That’s the beauty of the original, the only and the very bestest, ‘Secret Diary of a Single Mum’ – who knows what I’ll do next!