Tuesday 20th September

BBC Breakfast informs me that there’s a bit of a ‘hoo-haa’ going on over some pikeys who have, using scaffolding poles, corrugated iron and other assorted crap, barricaded themselves into a field in Essex.

Despite the fact that their legal defence appears to amount to little more than the fact that they’d rather just stay put if it’s all the same to the rest of us ‘player-haters,’ they seem to be attracting rather a lot of attention from the media, and none of it seems to actually be helping their cause at all.

Having given the racist implications of this impending, and much discussed, eviction a great deal of thought, in the time that it took me to brush my teeth, I think I have hit upon the solution to the problem.


It’s an image problem.

If these ‘travellers’ would lose the scaffolding poles, corrugated iron and other assorted crap, send the disgusting 1970’s pre-fab style caravans to the scrap-yard and get a hair-cut once in a while, things would start to turn around for them.

Admittedly, and in addition, the thieving, mugging and driveway related skulduggery would need to be addressed as well but, and bear with me here, I think I can see a future.

They need to stop being ‘Do-As-You-Likey-Pikeys,’ and all start being good old fashioned, traditional Romany ‘Gypsy-Folk’.

Which aspirational country village wouldn’t benefit from the arrival every summer of a band of travelling ‘Gypsy-Folk’ complete with painted caravans, shire-horses and genuine odd-job doing merriment.

Parish councils wouldn’t be evicting them; they’d be queuing up to get them to deign to visit.

The ‘Gypsy-Folk’ would need a website; complete with tour dates, so that tourists could come and see how traditional itinerant workers lived in a bygone golden age of British history.

I see fortune telling, white heather and a resurgence of Famous Five culture.

I see a ‘Gift-Caravan’ and an appropriate dress-code that inspires hoards of gullible curious tourists and tourist kid-lets to learn the traditional ways of the ‘Gypsy-Folk’ and, in the process, pay through the nose for the privilege.

The ‘Gypsy-Folk’ wouldn’t need to be ripping off old ladies, they’d be too busy attending New York Fashion Week to give a monkeys about anyones pension money.

I also see economic benefits for the villages in which the ‘Gypsy-Folk’ stop.

Bed and Breakfasts being booked up months in advance. Restaurants needing to put out extra chairs and tables and local stores needing to expand their offerings to include all that home-made crap that everyone’s going all bat-shit about these days.

What the USA has done for the Amish, we need to do for our gypsy folk.

I’m telling you, it’s a gold-mine and a total win/win.

You heard it here first!

2 thoughts on “Tuesday 20th September

  1. In the words of Python, ‘what have the pikeys ever done for us?’ … ha, ha, love it. Perhaps they should go on Dragons Den? The funniest thing I’ve read since your last post x


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