Saturday 18th June (Date-night)

6.59 am – Hooray! It’s Saturday. It’s Date-Day. D-Day. Game on, not feeling sick at all!

7.04am – Feeling sick; what if DC-Dreamy is just keeping up his end of a dare slash bet?

7.10am – Pillow rammed over my face in an attempt to drown out Annabelle’s ‘Joseph and His Technicolor Dreamcoat’ bathroom based rehearsal.

7.20am – Can’t get the lyrics to ‘Joseph’ song out of my head. May as well get up and watch Breakfast for a bit. Shan’t be trying to actually eat breakfast as am suffering from serious ‘what-the-hell-have-I-let-myself-in-for’ jitters.

7.37am – Have chain-smoked six cigarettes already. Wondering if it’s too early to start drinking heavily.

8.20am – In response to Annabelle pointing at my face and asking ‘what’s happened’, fled upstairs and looked in mirror. Humungous, boil-like spot on my chin. Surrounding skin feeling like it has further eruptions in mind. Apparently, chin biding its time in some perverse, dermatological game of Russian roulette.

8.22am – Rang Friend-Kate. She did a course on ‘Beauty and That’ a few years ago. She’ll know what to do.

8.22am – Friend-Kate told me to ‘sod off and ring back later’. Friend-Kate hung up. Friend-Kate gets proper weird about Saturday ‘lie-ins’. Obviously doesn’t fully comprehend gravity of situation. Will keep ringing until she gives in and answers the phone.

8.22am – Friend-Kate now ignoring phone.

8.45am – Friend-Sophie asked me if ‘I was for real’. Friend-Sophie also slammed phone down.

8.46am – Friend-Sophie now ignoring phone.

8.48am – Friend-Karen apparently in Denver. Friend-Karen not yet gone to bed. Friend-Karen pretty shit-faced. Friend-Karen advised snogging him and stuffing my hand down his trousers to break the ice. Friend-Karen put phone down amidst peels of drunken giggling.

8.49am – Realised Friend-Karen not much help.

8.50am – Tried to ring Friend-Kate back to complain about Friends Sophie and Karen. Friend-Kate still ignoring phone. Seriously questioning friends’ dedication to my love life.

9.00am – Am going to hit Primark and New Look in an attempt to figure out what the ‘new black’ is.

5.15pm – Nude is the ‘new black’. Nude may suit Coleen Rooney. Nude knit-dress likely to make me look about as appealing as ‘Bubbles Dahliinngg’. Tried on nude-knit dress, looked like comedy sausage. Attempted to purchase funkily coloured maxi-dress and killer heels as advised by Facebook friends. Card declined. Only able to purchase half of outfit. Purchased dress but heels held hostage by scary till-girl.

6pm – Tried on funkily coloured maxi-dress in my bedroom. Without heels, look like Dunlop-Air-Blimp. Still have to de-fuzz myself so actually look like Furry-Dunlop-Air-Blimp. Hoping wind doesn’t get any stronger, may actually end up airborne in manner of Dunlop-Air-Blimp.

6.15pm – Zits playing cunning game. Keep pretending they’ve let me successfully skewer and gouge at them with a pin but survival of the fittest instinct very strong. Re-fill with white gunk every time I take my eyes off them. Aren’t going to give in easy it seems.

6.35pm – Fake tan not good idea. Never used it before. Don’t believe propaganda on packets. ‘Streaking’ is not something it never does. ‘Streaking’ is all it does. Perhaps shouldn’t have purchased ‘Cheep ‘as’ Chips Non-Streak Self-Tanning Cream’ from ropey old pikey on the market. Now look like Stripy-Fluorescent-Orange-Dunlop-Air-Blimp.

6.42pm – Asked Teenager to take pic of me to load on my Facebook page in manner of cool friends who have stunningly pretty profile images.

6.58pm – Teenager tempted me out of cupboard under the stairs by loudly opening a bottle of Pinot Grigio outside the door and pouring it into a glass whilst keeping up a steady narrative ‘a-la’ Jamie Oliver about how good it looked and smelled. Teenager suggested that I re-do make-up as now look like panda. Mascara from ropey old pikey on market not waterproof after all.

7.25pm – Feel a bit merry as now on second bottle of Pinot Grigio.

7.30pm – Doorbell has just gone. It’s showtime.