Saturday 28th May

I have a feeling that I might be about to offend a few people. So without further delay, let’s get started.

First up. Cheryl Cole.

I think Cheryl Cole is a teeny-weeny package of Geordie fabulousness.

I am, as a result of recent events, seriously displeased with USA Inc. who has just apparently, sacked ‘our’ little girl. The reason USA Inc. have provided is that in the two seconds she was a judge on ‘Over-There-X- Factor’, she neither stood up to Paula Abdul nor managed to make her accent clearly understood.

So I thought, hey Single Mum, why don’t you give it a whirl.

Paula Abdul made one crap song a gazillion years ago, hands up who can remember it. Actually, don’t bother, if I force you to recollect it you won’t be able to get the tune out of your head all day and that’s just cruel.

(Two steps forward, three steps back!)

One-Hit-Wonder-Abdul was, in industry ‘speak’, a ‘big-fat-flop’ on the music scene. Granted, over here we only have the likes of The Beatles and people like Oasis, Elton John and The Rolling Stones to compare her to, but still.  

Moving swiftly on and apparently people in America can’t understand people who originate from the North-East of England. Am I to understand then, that Britain’s ‘Special Relationship’ with the US finds its northern border somewhere around the Watford Gap Service Station?

If this is indeed the case, all our service personnel whose homes are usually somewhere off the M6 but are currently fighting in either Libya or Afghanistan can pretty much heave a sigh of relief.

You’re coming home boys.

Sorry, what’s that you say? Oh I see. You can understand Geordies perfectly when it suits you.

Gotcha.

For my part, whenever I have been on my holidays in Europe, and ever been unfortunate enough to be seated next to an American family in a restaurant as they attempted to order Low-Carb-Ranch-Dressing for their hand-made Italian pasta, my hiding-behind-my-menu-cringingly-embarrassed desire for the waiter to tell them to sling their hooks ‘cos they’d probably be better suited to the fine dining on offer at the Maccy-D’s three towns over, is completely overwhelming.

I trust that thus far I am not having any problems making myself understood.

Cheryl Cole is ours, we love her and you can stuff your copy-cat-show-format up your jacksies.

Second thing that has induced serious TV related cushion throwing around here is the imminent £1m wrongful sacking award that is going to be paid to the woman who was in charge of Haringey Social Services whilst they were brazenly ignoring the abuse that Baby-P suffered in his painfully short life.

This award is the result of a legal loop-hole.  The results of the external Ofsted report were not retracted.

What this means to you and me, is that she’s getting a million squid off the back of a technicality. Nobody has said that she wasn’t ultimately responsible for not getting that kid out of the house where he subsequently died at the hands of his own family.

She has been reported as claiming that ‘It’s not about the money’.

Phew, well at least some good will come out of this appalling situation then. I’m sure that ‘Over-The-Moon-Shoesmith’ is planning to hot-foot it off to the NSPCC or Childline when she gets her wedge, where she will  donate the lot, and finally manage to do some good for the kids she claims she has spent her life protecting.

Okay, I’m done. 

Baby-Peter-Connelly (March 1, 2006 – August 3, 2007).