Friday 10th December

This week, I have mainly been searching for my ‘Chrissmas-spirit’.

I vaguely remember locating it briefly in 2009 but can’t remember for the life of me where I put it when I’d finished with it.

It looks as though Annabelle may have borrowed it and forgotten to put it back as, since the first of this month, she’s been acting like she’s lost her bloody mind. She is sellotaping bits of cut up paper with red and green splodges all over the house along with scraps of tinsel and any other old tat she can lay her hands on.

It’s like living with a Christmas obsessed, acid-dropping, graffiti artist (a la Banksy).

To be fair though, at least I have been afforded a brief reprieve from the incessant JLS lyrics as she has moved on to Frosty the Snowman and Jingle Bells. She still doesn’t know the words but at least the dance moves show some variation.

Going back to the search for seasonal cheer, I do recall announcing, at around 9.30am on the morning of December 25th last year, as my parents began the annual ‘who’s-laying-the-table-argument’ and the kids got stuck into the ‘who’s-DVD-are-we-going-to-put-on’ bloodbath, that it was probably, definitely, high-time I started drinking heavily.

Taking that into account, I have a feeling that location of any spirit strong enough to see me safely through this, the most wonderful time of the year, is likely to be found sporting a security tag in the extremely expensive, 100% proof aisle at Tesco.

I’m not prepared to concede defeat quite yet and so, before I throw in the towel completely and admit that getting myself all liquored up is seriously the only way to put up with the unadulterated big pile of skiddy-pants that is Christmas, I have cunningly come up with a back up plan.

There is a channel called Movies 24 on Sky that is running back to back yuletide movies. I have discovered that if you grit your teeth and force yourself to sit through one (or six depending on your threshold for pain) that the saccharine, tinkly, elf-tastic, love-fests are slowly but surely able to ram their way through to the ‘aaaaahhh gene’ in even the sanest of people.

Admittedly, a certain amount of alcohol is still advised as the nausea is definitely likely to rear its head at some stage but you can probably get away with sticking to harmless stuff like whiskey and gin.

Stronger pharmaceutical back-up may still turn out to be needed. The NHS however, sadly seems to be some way off development of a ‘goodwill-pill’ that can manage the feelings of anxiety, apathy and blind rage that the ‘hallidays’ can inspire whilst also delivering an inane interest in all things tacky and shiny.

Odd really since according to Movies 24, this drug appears to have been licensed in some parts of North America for some time now.

Anyway, let me know how you get on as there are still 15 sleeps ‘til Christmas (I’d like to personally throttle whichever cretin came up with that one) and by extension plenty of time to try and figure out what the Christmas spirit is, why some people have it and some don’t, and whether or not mind altering drugs are the only hope of survival for anyone over about three and a half feet.

Perhaps staying sober wouldn’t in truth be as difficult as I imagine. Maybe looking forward to the Eastenders Christmas special is motivation enough (Janine is well gonna to murder Ryan!) but just to be on the safe side, let’s call that plan B.