Friday 28th May

Friend-Laura turned up unexpectedly yesterday evening.

Brandishing a large bottle of Absolut and gulping back tears she pushed past me and headed for my sitting room. Colour me wary but I was definitely sensing that all was not well.

Friend-Laura is not cruel nor is she in any way thoughtless, unkind or inconsiderate. What she is, in my opinion, is a little bit gullible. She has been involved in an on and off kind of relationship for five very looooonnngggg years with a chap of the MiMMo variety, which is to say Middle aged, Married and Moaning.

MiMMo’s are something that when we were idealistic young things, we told our mates loudly and confidently that we just wouldn’t put up with. They share the same ranking in the top ten desirable qualities of a luvver as muggers, thieves and traffic wardens.

Like Chickenpox, however, it is inevitable that all women will, at some point in their lives contract MiMMo sickness. Granted, some recover quicker than others but where most of us get it once, discover that it itches like hell and in addition leaves rather unappealing scars, unfortunates like Laura keep re-infecting themselves over and over again.

Now, to the uninitiated, spotting a MiMMo is easy. They are about 40 years old, are married and they moan a lot.

Unlike the rest of us however their moaning is disproportionate to the action taken. In other words they can bore you senseless about what a bee-atch their miserable, psychotic, boring in bed wife is for hours, days, months, years on end but they still have the holiday booked for the next year.

They do absolutely nothing to resolve their problem and that, ladies and gentlemen, is your first clue because you can bet your arse that if their car got jacked they’d be on the phone to the po-po’s quicker than you could say ‘You’re a cheating bastard’.

MiMMo’s moan, they complain, they play the victim, and they expect a great deal more than any one human being could possibly give them. They are boring and self centred. The human equivalent of Bounty kitchen roll they lap up all emotional offerings and I hope, I pray, that Friend-Laura will see sense this time.

There is a part of me that wishes that this MiMMo’s wife would show the guts and character Cheryl Cole has recently demonstrated because life really does go on.

I love Laura and I hate to see her like this. I feel empathy for the MiMMo’s wife and I am aware of the misconceived ideas about the home wrecking ‘other woman’. But let’s be clear here, there is always one common denominator and in mathematical as well as scientific equations this is known as a catalyst.

The catalyst in this equation is a weak, gutless tosser who thought that he was a little bit more special than he actually proved to be.

So, move along, nothing to see here.

And that’s all she wrote.

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