Monday 12 April

Came downstairs this morning to find no trace of Annabelle or Hector (the dog). I could, however, hear her shrieking: “Stop trying to hump me”.

Looked out of the window to discover that she had built an obstacle course out of the wheelie bins and some garden canes and was dragging Hector around it waving one of his chewy toys. Presumably the toy fulfilled the carrot part of the equation as the stick element was clearly to be found in the frequent stern talking to’s she kept making him sit down for.

In true doggy style, Hector sat panting and listening attentively during the talking part of the proceedings and when given the order to ‘jump’ watched with interest from the take off side as Annabelle soared across the fence.

The teenager emerged from his lair at around lunchtime to tell me that it is now, just four days until Grand Theft Auto IV (Tales from Liberty City) is released. He then asked if I wanted a cup of  tea or the dog walked.

Nearly called his bluff but the dog was in a coma on the kitchen floor with his tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth. Hector is a Dalmation, these dogs have run alongside Roman chariots during the occupation of entire continents. An hour with the Home Guard (Annabelle Regiment) proved just too much of a challenge for him.

Considered contacting the British Army to let them know that if they can hang on for another few years I might have a solution to their problems.

Contacted the CSA today to ask whether they were aware that ex-husband Andy is subject to a ‘change of circumstances’ as they put it. I wanted to snort derisively but daren’t as I didn’t want to anger the ‘voice on the phone’. Angering the ‘voice on the phone’ has gotten me into many a sticky situation before.

I remember on one occasion that I managed to fail my own security check when trying to speak to a ‘voice on the phone’ at my bank. On that occasion I was told that I would have to wait 24 hours before I was allowed to attempt to pass their security check again. I was still screeching that I did know my own sodding date of birth when, as promised, she terminated the call. 

Anyway back to the CSA. I gave all my information as requested to the ‘voice on the phone’ and waited while she ‘found my details’. Well, she didn’t actually find my details. I, on the other hand discovered some pretty interesting details; namely that I don’t, apparently, have any children.

Put telephone down very slowly keeping my eyes firmly on Annabelle.

Quickly realised how silly I was being, imaginary children don’t come home from school with head lice.